Why Is Self-Regulation So Hard for Me?

by Maggie Vey, MFT Trainee at Hope for Healers

Understanding Emotional Regulation Through a Neurodivergent Lens

If you’re neurodivergent — Autistic, ADHD, sensory-sensitive, or otherwise wired differently — you might find yourself asking:“Why is self-regulation so hard for me?”

You’re not broken. Your nervous system just speaks a different language.

Self-Regulation Isn’t Just About “Calming Down”

In a world that often values quick fixes and composure over true understanding, self-regulation is frequently misunderstood. It's not about snapping out of overwhelm or silencing your emotions.

For neurodivergent folks, self-regulation is about:

• Recognizing what your body and mind need

• Responding with care (not control)

• Cultivating safety — in your body, your environment, and your relationships

Let me say this clearly:You are not too sensitive. You are too often unsupported.

A Quick Look at the Science

Self-regulation is made up of two important processes:

1. Interoception – the ability to sense what’s going on inside your body (your heart rate, hunger cues, temperature, tension, etc.)2. Co-regulation – the sense of safety and emotional grounding we feel through connection with others

Many neurodivergent people experience differences in interoception — for example, not realizing they’re hungry or overwhelmed until it’s too late. Others might find co-regulation difficult due to past trauma, sensory overload, or feeling misunderstood.

These differences aren’t flaws. They’re part of how your nervous system processes the world.

Practical Tips for Real-World Regulation

Instead of forcing yourself to “calm down,” try approaching regulation with curiosity and compassion:

• Pause and ask: “Am I overstimulated or under-stimulated right now?”

• Try sensory input: weighted blankets, pressure, rocking, walking, stimming — whatever helps you feel anchored

• Create supportive environments: use a sensory kit, take breaks, build a cozy corner

• Seek co-regulation: ask someone you trust, “Can you sit with me?” or “Can we do some deep breaths together?”

These aren’t coping hacks — they’re tools for connection, safety, and healing.

A Gentle Reminder

Self-regulation isn't about performing peace or pretending you're okay.

It’s about building a relationship with your body that says:“You are safe. You are allowed to feel. I’m listening.”

Want Support Navigating Emotional Regulation?

If you’re a neurodivergent teen or adult trying to build more sustainable, shame-free ways to regulate — I’d love to support you.

My therapy practice is neurodivergent-affirming and trauma-informed. Together, we’ll explore tools, language, and rhythms that actually fit you.

Ready to begin? Contact me here or reach out for a free consultation.